WEBVTT	#Elemental Media Engine(TM) 2.17.1.0

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- So I've been very, very lucky

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that in the past 15 years,

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I have been able to make my living

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as a performer, or a
producer, or a director.

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I've always had a sense of humor

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about what I was going through

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at the time personally,

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we ended up writing this
reggae tone dance hall mix

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to "Let it go"

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But it was about depression,

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and two people who are breaking up

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because they're both depressed

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and cannot really carry
the weight of one another.

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We thought it was funny at the time,

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and we were like, "Let's
just do this video

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"about two depressed people breaking up,

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"and we call it "Depression
Mashup (Feat. Anxiety)"

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(paper rustling)

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- What did you do?

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- Zack and I got in a fight.

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- What?

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(paper shuffling)
- It got a little #Metoo,

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I guess.

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- What does that mean?

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- (sighs) Nothing, I
shouldn't have said it.

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- What is hashtag?

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- Nothing.

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It started with a couple of comedy videos,

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and then I ended up doing a
short film called "The Patients"

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which was really, really close to home.

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The characters are drawn

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from my own family and my own experience

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being an intimate partner
violence survivor,

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and as a Pinay, we don't talk
to our parents about that.

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And my parents were very much like,

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"Go to therapy, figure it out,

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"We don't know what happened."

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It's tough, especially in
the Filipino community,

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or Asian-American community

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where, you know, there
might be like a mark on you,

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if you were to ever share

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that there was something bad going on.

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In my head, the word that comes up

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is like the Filipino cultural
value of hiya, shame, right?

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So it shouldn't be shameful
to share what's going on.

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(gentle music)

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It's not about being ashamed anymore,

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just sharing it, and if
one person gets affected,

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and one person says, "Hey
this is helping me recognize

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"some patterns in my life

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"that feel unhealthy, or unsafe,"

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then it's a service.

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(suspenseful music)

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- [Zack] You make me so mad.

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(suspenseful music)

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- You make me wanna kill myself.

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- [Zack] If I could get
a gun, I could kill you.

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(suspenseful music)

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- I wrote "The Patients"
because I was really thinking

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about how I was trying
to connect with my family

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because it was becoming
of the utmost importance

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to me to remain connected to them.

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(suspenseful music)

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It's almost somewhat

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like a coming out
conversation between siblings

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of like telling your sister,

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"Hey, this happened."
- Hey, you okay?

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(suspenseful music)
(woman whimpers)

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Fuck man, the way I see it,

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it's obviously your parents' fault.

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- This is what was going
on behind the scenes,

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what you didn't know, telling your brother

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this is what it's like, telling your mom,

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if she doesn't wanna...

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The mom character in my film
didn't really wanna hear it

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until she did, and then she was like

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the biggest advocate in her own way.

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- But if I ever see his face again,

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I'm going kick his fucking ass.

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- And so when I would see my mom,

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(both laugh) laugh at an
actress depicting her,

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and that was so huge to me.

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And I mean, other Filipinos
will understand this,

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but like afterwards,

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I was like, "What do you think mom?"

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She was like, "I'm a proud mama,

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"are we all gonna eat?

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"And are your friends coming?"

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That's A plus of a Filipino
American filmmaker experience

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to be like, "I'm a proud
mom, are your friends coming?

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"Let's go eat."

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Tops, tops, one of the best moments

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of my life for sure.

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(bell humming)

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Who is gonna say,

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"I wanna point a camera at
this and give you money,"

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Or, "I wanna write this thing,

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"and give you money to make that?"

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It's a constant job

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of chasing resources and
chasing opportunities.

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It's not built for people

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who don't have a tolerance for that,

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or if you are an artist,

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you have to figure out how much

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of that you wanna let into your life.

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That has taught me over the past 15 years,

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how to remain resilient,

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and I think that's what a
lot of mental health is,

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at least for me, especially with somebody

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who has propensity
towards being depressed,

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meaning at least my version of depression,

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and what I have experienced is,

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I can think that I am the smallest

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and most insignificant
person in the world.

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If they don't wanna give
me money to tell a story,

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(chuckles) if people
don't wanna give me money

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or tell me that that is valued,

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or what I'm making is valid,

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it doesn't mean that it's me.

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For me talk therapy is huge,

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to see those types of things
of like, "Is this true?

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"Is this not true?

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"Whose reality is that?

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"Who is it real to?

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"What does that mean?"

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Anxiety in my job as a
director is a superpower.

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Anxiety makes me think
about being detail-oriented,

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it makes me think about how to be,

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as a producer, or executive
producer of the showcase,

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how to be compassionate towards the people

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that I know who are working
with me on this team.

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So being anxious in that way has been able

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to bring out empathy in my work.

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Even now during showcase,

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it's my first time ever
working with a deaf actor,

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and he's taught me so much about

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how to look at a script and go through it.

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In this case, it's productive worry,

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and on my days off,

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when I see that I'm holding other worries

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that I don't need to hold,

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I'm like, "Okay, this is an anxious day,

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"and my anxiety is not
put to good use today,

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"it's not worth it."

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I'm doing a film sketch showcase

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that only an industry
audience tends to see,

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that only other comics tend to see.

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But at least I'm able to say that

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the job is possible, that you
can be a working creative,

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you can be Pinay and be able

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to create a creative life for yourself,

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and do comedy because there aren't

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that many Filipino comics,

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there aren't that many,

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simply there aren't,
by the literal numbers,

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there aren't that many of us.

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(gentle music)

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So if I'm able to provide that service,

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and be a mentor to other
people where I am right now,

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then that's been able to help
my mental health journey,

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because I would've wanted that

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when I was a younger
performer (indistinct).

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So we have a long way to go,

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and I guess I'm still
looking for a mentor,

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if anyone is out there (laughs).

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- [Man] Speeding, slated, and set.

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- All right, and action.

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(bright upbeat music)